I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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