it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
