Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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