I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
