Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
