Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
