Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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