So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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