I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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