I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
