so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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