Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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