so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize