I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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