He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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