i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
