My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
