I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
