There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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