Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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