in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
