I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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