I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
