I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
