i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
