my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She bit a glass in half.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
