are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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