i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
