Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You ruined the universe
Randomize
