Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
