let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize