No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
