it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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