he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
