Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
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