He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
