I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize