Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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