Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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