It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
