After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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