The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
