Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
