Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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