Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
