I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
