I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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