vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
