Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
