He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You peed on a flamingo?!?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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