also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
