i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
