Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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