btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
