I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My liver just broke up with me...
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
