Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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