I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
