Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
