So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
