Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize