There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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