At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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